auto boulot dodo - left coast

damn - coachella! and exam ack! yay set times and lineup

also - i hate it when the parameterization choices make things so much more confusing then they have to be.
just pick a damn standard set of parameter identifiers and what they stand for it sucks a lot when "standard parameterizations" of a distribution include identifiers that are the same but represent the reciprocal - or the nth root or whatever. and in my opinion everyone should use ln for the natural log because it's 1. shorter, 2. unambiguous, 3. saying it is also shorter and unambiguous. so there!

i remember when i first learned algebra i didn't like it that the cartesian coordinates and variables were always x and y. how i long for those simpler days. i have a deep appreciation now for consistency and clarity in naming choice.

not to mention the ridiculous notation required for Exam 3 - i hope to god i pass Exam 4 on the first try because i have a feeling Exam 3 is going to be a bitch.

wah - i don't want to move. i do but i don't want to go through the effort.

listening to: dios, rilo kiley - the execution of all things

man i was totally freaking out sunday night. but now i feel ok. xanax is a wonderful thing. work is good too. i decided i should concentrate on my exam and then figure out what to do about the housing issue. and then figure out what to do about the job/school/life situation.

cspan is awesome - i was listening to the supreme court about cheney and the energy task force - damn the govt lawyer was pretty good at making their freaky secrecy industry dick-sucking operation seem like something that the president should just be able to do with no possible action by the courts.

mmm - more evil ways the white male conservative agenda is damaging the country

this album reminds me of spring junior year when robin and i were roommates in the cloud room and I did too many hallucinogens and Jason had a huge thing for robin and kept telling me about it while i had a huge thing for him and got pissed off about him asking *me* about robin. that was some fucked up relationship shit - i don't think hallucinogens are particularly conducive to successfully navigating tricky relationship waters. anyways yay tricky - at least this album

it's funny how my mp3s are basically hip hop, electronica, and trip hop. all sorts of IDM shit.

it's "Conejo Valley Days" today - at least it's not ridiculously hot. maybe they'll be cardboard cutouts of faith hill to get my picture taken with like last year!!!! and bales of hay!

listening to: tricky - maxinquaye

Apparently they hate being called the olsen twins - so take that olsen twins. the olsen twins like the postal service and modest mouse

that makes me laugh a lot. and picture 13 year old girls running out and buying them. kind of like the katie couric effect with colonoscopies - the olsen twins effect. i predict it's going to be *huge*

I love pitchfork - this review is so awesome.
Architechture in Helsinki: Fingers Crossed: Pitchfork Review it makes me want the album a lot.

listening to: dios

so yeah blah. work. the wierd thing about having a blog is that now i keep thinking of things to write in it all the time. especially in the car driving (which i do a lot but have been pretty much digging recently - probably lack of traffic)

things that have occured to me:

1. it's good that there are certain things that reset certain cycles. like sleep, exercise, seasons, menstrual cycles etc. change is good and it's good that there is automatic change. i have issues with change - a love/hate relationship - i get bored, have a desire for personal growth and to experience different things, but also if i don't feel in control or if there is a lot of uncertainty about the form that change will take it makes me very anxious. I've been very anxious lately about what's coming next. I feel like i'm making progress in dealing with these things in a way that will be good for me. I was talking about it last night with my brother. It's the logic/vibe combination - I like to logically lay out my options and then get vibes about them. This is how I found my current house, basically how I picked a college (even a high school if you can believe that), pretty much everything. I think I need to go with my gut feeling a little more maybe and not rule out options that maybe have logical problems especially when the logical problems are more my own insecurities/relying on or worrying about other people's opinions (i may have liked Reed, there are definitely boys that could have worked for me)

2. the first george bush is sure looking a hell of a lot better in retrospect. i would pick him over this one anyday. but why can't we have clinton back? he was the best president i've ever experienced.

3. i'm glad that my living space doesn't include any conservative propaganda - although
this site's propaganda is not bad because i agree with some of the things that they say about kerry but in a positive way and they aren't negative things to me at all. it makes me sad that some people actually do think that being flexible is a bad thing. i guess that's pretty much the fundamental problem with calvin is that it is completely and utterly rigid about just about everything and that is anathema to how i think life should be *lived* also here's a good liberal propaganda source move on

4. i love the "black vinyl" heh saturday looks good to me - all your summer songs. so good.

5. so much depends on framing it makes my head hurt. all the choices that people make - it makes you wonder how much you are manipulated that you don't even realize. i don't like manipulation in general - but i do in relationships a lot. i guess there are some situations where i think it's ok. if the parties involve understand the manipulation - then it's somewhat in the open - i don't like dishonest or sneaky manipulation - and it bugs me even more when the manipulator doesn't know exactly what they are doing or why. that's kind of how i see Bush - not intentionally evil - but all the worse because he isn't intentionally trying to be evil or to achieve a particular result - at least with a self aware evil person you can figure out what they are trying to achieve.

listening to: yo la tengo - and then nothing turned itself inside out

Hmm, things continue to be interesting and highly anxiety producing. I decided that what i really needed to do was exercise because that is seriously the most effective anxiety reliever/mood enhancer/anti-depressant for me. I'm just lazy and easily distracted from that fact so it takes some serious anxiety combined with actual energy (not the lethargic depressed i'm just going to sleep mind state) Although I did sleep for 14 hours friday night (went to bed at 7:30pm got up at 9:30am) had seriously vivid dreams which took all sorts of aspects of current issues on my mind and just went through them in various ways. There were many bizarre parts of these dreams like Joy being there and wierd random people from the past getting married, and being at some swank mall with various people and trying to put on these clear plastic pants. Um also getting laid off and having some coworker tell me that it was because no one liked me at work. Some insecurities just persist even when i can reasonably function and in my day to day reality I believe that people at work actually like me or at least don't really dislike me. I made this super twee/i have a crush type of mp3 playlist that I listened to a bunch:

aislers set - long division
belle and sebastian - the boy with the arab strap
magnetic fields - i don't want to get over you
yo la tengo - sugar cube
tullycraft - twee
dressy bessy - if you should try to kiss her
postal service - brand new colony
belle and sebastian - you're such a baby
tullycraft - bee sting stings

yea! twee!

i wonder how my brother's date went! blah also i need to study - a lot.
variance of MLE estimators
review credibility and memorize key formulas (esp. conjugate priors)
time series - i just need to spend some more time working out some problems and memorize formulas/theory points for true false questions

i like hillary clinton and she makes many of the same points that i firmly believe It seems like if we had more legislators like her maybe we could get some sane legislation passed in Congress. American politics seems to be at a very dangerous stalemate. I'm just curious as to what will be the rhetoric/disaster that will galvanize the next movement. Hopefully we are overdue for a new (authentic) populist movement.

It also makes me think that maybe I should stay in health care even though it makes me uncomfortable because I may actually have opportunities to influence things. That's a wierd thing to realize - that you could potentially have real power over something. Power is wierd. It's something that interests me a lot in the way power dynamics work in relationships, and in history, part of the whole gender / post-structuralist way of interpreting history deals with specifically the way that gender and gendered language influence history and how people use rhetoric in controlling/framing issues. I like history.

listening to: Ride - Nowhere

so - lots going on - getting your period at work is no fun. it's funny because i should always know it's coming but it kind of always takes me by surprise. somehow it occurred to me but i didn't really do anything rational like make sure to bring ibuprofen and tampons to work, no that would be too logical. Maybe I was distracted by the lack of hot water! Apparently we need a new water heater - monday morning i went to the gym to take a shower, yesterday i didn't bathe at all, and this morning i had a makeshift bath using some water heated up on the stove - not the most pleasant or effective thing.

I have a fucking *long* ass list of things i need to do in the next month but i made some progress yesterday - making a car appointment for friday (oil change and recall - something with the wiring in the headlights - not that serious but also ack a recall notice) I upped my contribution to my 401k to 8% - wow i'm so responsible - my company matches 6% so that's just free money that i need to be taking advantage of. I got my 401k statement - I have a retirement fund! $6248 - i guess it pays to work for an aggressive company. It is actually well managed so at least that's something good-ish about it.

I talked to my parents for a long time. Mostly I just talked a lot about all the shit going down in my life with moving and whatever. Their perceptions of Joel at Calvin are interesting to hear - if I think they are a bit biased in how they perceive it. I wonder if they have thought about what it would have been like for *them* to go to college 1 mile from home someplace that one of their parents worked. I mentioned some stuff about Joel transferring and they mostly chose to ignore it. Blah - family politics. At least i got the lentil stew recipe. And I'm going to hang out with Robin on Thurs.

Gilmore Girls had the shins!!! They were cute - but i was thoroughly disappointed by their lack of real spring breaking. It was way more meta and lame than an actual spring break episode should be. Rory didn't seem to have any fun at all and it just sort of blew. I'm really not into where the story line is going with more Dean - blah - they have no chemistry - Bring back Jess! They should have some sort of intense sex thing - that would actually make Rory into a more complex character. It seemed like they flirted with that last year but they were too chicken to actually take it anywhere interesting or real. Sort of similar to the Luke Lorelei Nicole Jason bullshit that's stupid and pointless.

On the other hand I'm still loving One Tree Hill - stuff actually happens! and people have complicated real things happen to their relationships. It might be a silly teen drama on the WB but it has actually managed to sidestep some of the more obvious cliche things that could have happened. And I pretty much like all the actors (and they're pretty hot). Hmm more evidence of my lack of a real high school experience issues. Yeah...

Still have to study, go to target (more spring break t-shirts i'm addicted), i'm sure there are plenty more boring adult things i have to do but blah - that's enough for now.


listening to: dios

hiking in the santa monica mountains yesterday w/ nicki, matt and robin - fun but hard, also the unending conversation about a movie involving a native american dead warrior cheif's wife carrying her twin babies long distances through mountains, the twin babies having different fathers - one the husbands and the other the kindly white man. Then the epic sibling rivalry where the native american one becomes an outcast of the tribe etc. Matt was defending the (ridiculous) position that this movie would be a classic hollywood epic not a terrible cliche. Also Walrus economics - somehow talk of a saddlepoint triggered a brain dump on my part about Walraisian equilibrium and the Laws of Welfare Economics. Ya know Pareto efficiency and competitive market allocations etc. While Walraisian equilibrium have nothing whatsoever to do with Walruses somehow a theory of walrus economics now needs to be developed by me so Robin and I can illustrate it in our (far superior and more interesting) movie about 2 lesbians and 3 gay men raising a baby on a spaceship. I don't know - which movie would you rather see????? I think perhaps the sun got to us a little.

Then we got sausages, corn and applesauce at Gelsons (which is super close to my house but I never knew existed before - also is ridiculously nice) and I ate a lot of sausage - we were drinking some beer too. Yum - funny how doing a lot of physical activity makes you really hungry.

also some pics from my b-day party:













listening to: i need new music aghgh - so far this morning i've tried amanset - know by heart, ani difranco - dialate, the shins - chutes too narrow, aaliyah - aaliyah

tough week at work, but it got better. i think i'm starting to get a handle on the CA M+C stuff. i must be masochistic else why would i look at the Calvin College residential policies. how do *you* like living in a mind control prison fuck some of these are even worse than my high schools policies - but i guess all my high school was worried about was liability because we were minors and not offering a "unique and valuable opportunity for all residents to learn and grow within a Christian community of students from widely varying backgrounds, interests, and Christian traditions." hmm

choice excerpts
Sexual Misconduct: Calvin College holds that premarital intercourse is in conflict with Biblical teaching, and that conduct promoting such intimacy (i.e. nudity, partial undress, lying or sleeping in bed together) is unacceptable. Persons engaging in such conduct face disciplinary action including parent/guardian notification, or suspension.

Yes, of course it is acceptable for your college to prohibit you from engaging in *any* sort of vaguely sexual behavior and threaten to notify your parents if you do. Fuck, my high school had some stuff in the rule book about how they believed boarding school was an inappropriate place to have sex but no explicit prohibitions or threats to tell your parents. Also birth control was available at the health center.

In coordination with this there are the ever useful "Open House Policy and Procedures"

1 During non-open house hours, men are not permitted in the private areas (which include the rooms, corridors, and stairwells) of women’s halls, and vice versa.
2 During open house hours, the room door is to remain open. To avoid accidental closing, the lock may be turned outward so that the door will remain out of the doorframe and will be free swinging. A door blocked by a dresser, bed, or other object is not considered open.

Visitation hours are the following:

Wednesday 4:00 – 10:00 pm
Friday noon – 1:00 am
Saturday noon – midnight
Sunday noon – 11:00 pm

Wow! how generous. At Andover by the time we were seniors we at least were allowed to have a closed door.

Blech

Also free speech? - not here

Because the language we use can offend, hurt, or degrade individuals or God, students are asked to maintain high standards of communication. Profanity, obscenities, and hate speech are not appropriate in a Christian, academic community.
When I was a freshman at andover we had a dorm meeting coming up with alternatives to obsenities. like fudge etc. but as far as i remember that was the only time profanity was an issue - even then they just "encouraged" us to find alternative means of expression.

anyways more evidence as to why my brother should transfer. In my opinion even if you decide to live according to all of these "standards" - shouldn't it be as a result of your own free will and judgement as an adult?

Blech

listening to: massive attack - blue lines

urban tribes - i guess this pretty much describes my friends and our social group. i have a lot that i could say about this because having my mom around has definitely caused me to think more about relationships and lifestyles etc. but i have too much work. i guess it's nice to feel busy and useful at work but still... blah, i mean work is supposed to be about idly surfing the web, emailing, and introspection right? one thing that sucks about my mom visiting at this time is i'm just so preoccupied with all of this other shit that i have to do and think about so i feel guilty about not being more entertaining or able to enjoy having her here and doing stuff. also dealing with the whole schultz gang is a little much. i feel too peripheral and like i'm expected to want to do certain things or think they are really fun when that just isn't what i want to do right now. i'm not a big fan of guilt. it's pretty unproductive and shitty.

work... blah. last night was fun! it was a really good amount/mix of people. i think my mom had a good time. so weird to have my mom around my real adult life.

back to work....

listening to: prefuse 73 - one word extinguisher, cannibal ox - the cold vein

i had dinner last night at real food daily with clinton. i again realized how thoroughly southern california i've become when i ate this stir fry dish with shredded cabbage, zuchini, squash, other vegetables, marinated tempeh, garlic tamari sauce, over brown rice and it was amazing - i was really really digging it. We also decided that the root vegetables need to get more exposure - my particular favorite is the rutabaga - i think it is criminally underused and has a undeservedly sketchy reputation. It is *delicious* - especially deep fried like a french fry. It was nice to get a chance to talk to him about certain things that have been on my mind that he is in a particularly good place to understand.

I finally set up my computer so that i can listen to all my mp3s. It's awesome - i listened to some Belle and Sebastian this morning, Massive Attack - Mezzanine last night, Lamb - awesome stuff. I'm psyched.

Barbecue tonight at Anna's - la brea tar pits, amoeba, + ? saturday, ballet and having people over for dinner on sunday.

fracas = good word

I need to study


listening to: manitoba - up in flames, tricky - maxinquaye