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random thoughts from a member of the yuppie technocrati
Wednesday, February 25, 2004
sometimes things just get overwhelming
damn - i've been feeling a lot these past couple days. it's so wierd to me how my emotions have just hit me with a vengeance. things are really intense and i'm not used to them being so intense and real. i'm engaged with the world again and it's scary as hell. not only am i so out there - i'm finally feeling like i can make the decisions that i want to be making and allowing myself to become attached to people and to some degree believe like they are not just going to completely disappear from my life. the past 8 years or so were a completely bizarre overwhelming trip and i feel lucky that i made it. i think i'm finally ready to deal with some of the fallout. that's kind of what this past year has been about. making decisions that were solely motivated by what *I* needed - being able to see options and evaluate them for what they meant to *me* primarily - and not feeling guilty about it.
on the other hand i'm starting to feel ready to have real connections to people and expect things from them. for so long i've felt like i had to do everything for myself or i would lose control or be crushed when people were critical of my actions, decisions or opinions. i would really like a relationship - i have a *lot* of intimacy issues - on the one hand i am very sensitive and get very attached to people - on the other hand that makes me incredibly skittish around people i think i could actually like that much because they could have so much power to hurt me and i don't trust myself not to hurt them. in some ways i'm very secure but when it comes to relationships i'm a neurotic mess.
and i lost 7 pounds since my last doctors appt. - in January. It's cool but barely any of my clothes fit right. I want cute new clothes but don't have the money.
i'm stressed about drop day as well - worlds colliding - i feel like i'm more connected than many alums to current students - and i don't want to be a real adult - but adulthood is creeping up on me... career, responsibility, car payments, 401k, etc. worries about promotions and raises. desire for more money. these are not things i particularly expected to happen to me in such a big way.
listening to: nothing :( i left my cd player somewhere (pasadena i think)
on the other hand i'm starting to feel ready to have real connections to people and expect things from them. for so long i've felt like i had to do everything for myself or i would lose control or be crushed when people were critical of my actions, decisions or opinions. i would really like a relationship - i have a *lot* of intimacy issues - on the one hand i am very sensitive and get very attached to people - on the other hand that makes me incredibly skittish around people i think i could actually like that much because they could have so much power to hurt me and i don't trust myself not to hurt them. in some ways i'm very secure but when it comes to relationships i'm a neurotic mess.
and i lost 7 pounds since my last doctors appt. - in January. It's cool but barely any of my clothes fit right. I want cute new clothes but don't have the money.
i'm stressed about drop day as well - worlds colliding - i feel like i'm more connected than many alums to current students - and i don't want to be a real adult - but adulthood is creeping up on me... career, responsibility, car payments, 401k, etc. worries about promotions and raises. desire for more money. these are not things i particularly expected to happen to me in such a big way.
listening to: nothing :( i left my cd player somewhere (pasadena i think)
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