auto boulot dodo - left coast

death is pretty heavy stuff. i've been pretty fortunate so far not to have too many people i was close to die.
my grandfather died when i was 16 the day before thanksgiving, as i was recovering from getting my wisdom teeth out right before the end of one of the hardest, most academically intense terms of high school. But he died of natural causes, suddenly but he was old, not that old but old enough that you take death into consideration, it seems a possibility.
It was uncomfortable, i think that's the biggest thing about death is that people have a lot of emotions about it and my family isn't that good at dealing with emotions. I especially get freaked out by strong emotions.

so i really have no clue how you go about dealing. i'm thinking about it a lot and i have a lot of questions. but on the other hand it really is very far physically and emotionally from my life right now. lots of things remind me though. people talking about the LA auto show, gibsons, happy hour, queer as folk. i'm feeling a subtle anxiety about everything and everyone. how people are constantly in and out of my life - how i emotionally detach from people. i'm thinking about how nice it would be to have someone. it kind of sucks to not know how to depend on other people - not even know how to verbalize what you need from them. i believe in ultimately being responsible for the choices you make and the life you have but sometimes it would be nice to have someone that understood what you needed. i want this - but on the other hand i have no clue how to be that person for someone else.

heavy stuff

listening to: kcrw